This is my experience with grief -- When my father died in 1997, the grief my mother expressed was so encompassing that I found I could not fully have my own grief. I wasn't aware of having a lot of it as I felt complete with my father when he made his transition, it was just that I felt I had such little space cos my mother's grief was so vast and unceasing. I knew intellectually that it was my dad's death and years of unaddressed grief manifesting as one huge ball of grief for her. I had so much judgment toward what I felt was her extended grieving that compassion was hard won, though I certainly cultivated it. I just kept thinking, ohmygod, it's years already, can you pleeeze get on with the process of living? Can you be grateful for what you have? I tried diligently and fervently to influence my mom into a consciousness that would provide some joy for her though it was futile and fleeting. I alternated between being understanding and impatient.
Seven years after my dad died, it began to appear as though my mom had some processing issues. She would become argumentative (not such a new behavior), unable to understand simple directions, easily overwhelmed and afraid of driving. It finally hit me around 2004 that something wasn't right but I had so much on my plate that I kept hoping that what I perceived was just my mom's persnicketiness. And, then, my aunt told me that I needed to visit my mom. Away I went to Florida, to begin the arduous task of getting my mom assessed -- a feat that was accomplished with a mobile drs. unit as my mom was phobic about doctors and hadn't been to one since I was born.
At the time my mother was diagnosed with dementia, I was experiencing what's now referred to as secondary infertility as well as crazy vertigo that would render me bedridden when it hit. Life was quite unpredictable. My mother-in-law, who was my other mom, experienced kidney failure and began dialysis, which was a very difficult and often painful experience for her, and my father-in-law returned to LA as he had health concerns. I began managing my mom's care and affairs in Florida from Los Angeles but I knew I wanted her to be in LA so I began searching for a place that was a good fit for my her.
The idea of moving my mother from Florida to Los Angeles so I would be able to make sure that she received the care she deserved while caring for a then 3-yr. old, growing a practice as a spiritual counselor, and trying to conceive again seemed like an overwhelming prospect. Though I loved my mom deeply, it was a challenging relationship and here I was choosing to be a caregiver to someone who was one of my greatest teachers. I was in the role of parenting my mother when what I truly wanted was to conceive and birth another baby. Clearly, my soul had other plans. We moved my mother from Florida to Los Angeles in a weekend, young child in tow.
Talk about feeling powerless. I'd been a practicing hypnotherapist for years, went through a 4-yr. program to become an Agape licensed Spiritual Practitioner, one who is trained in Universal Laws and its application in everyday life, believes in Eternal LIfe, and here were situations where I could not seemingly effect any changes for people I loved dearly. Surrender, surrender, and surrender some more was my daily mantra. Whatever I resisted, definitely persisted.
The vertigo continued -- I was diagnosed with a label, infertility ensued and then in September 2007, my mother, with whom I'd experienced a great healing, died unexpectedly. It was a profound shock and experience. Two months later, In December 2007, my last cat that had moved to LA with me from NYC died. In January 2008 my father-in-law died, and, simultaneously, my mother-in-law decided to go off dialysis making the choice to die, and, in March 2008, my mother-in-law died. And I began to be rendered debilitated by the vertigo. Talk about a lollapalooza!!
I thought I was doing alright with the deaths. The "problem" was that I kept experiencing this intense vertigo, tinnitus and a loss of hearing in one of my ears that wouldn't relent. Me being who I am, a Western medical diagnosis just wouldn't do it. Off I went to healers and practitioners seeking resolution. I met great people and was helped momentarily by many yet my symptoms returned. When they did, I couldn't function and I was unable to fully care for our child. We didn't conceive another baby. I couldn't facilitate any workshops or make any plans. I was knocked for a loop physically and emotionally. There were periods of time when I didn't drive. It was during a time when I didn't drive for 3 months that a new friend suggested that the vertigo might be a grief reaction to the loss of my family members. When he said it, it stuck with me and I kept mulling it around in my mind to see if it fit. I kept thinking, well, yeh, maybe, but I'm in touch with my emotions, I do my inner work.
Well, fast forward to this past weekend and while I am still in a healing phase, it occurred to me that all of the family deaths, my health challenge with vertigo and other losses plus the letting go of a couple of friendships that I thought were lifelong had impacted me enormously. I hadn't fully grasped the totality of how grief had effected me.
I thought I was processing these changes. I had my daily meditation and prayer practice, a loving husband, great child, some great friends, a few people within my spiritual community that I could lean into where I felt I wouldn't be judged, and, yet, there I was, knee deep in grief. Deep, deep grief, that I couldn't even name.
The reason I know that what this past several year cycle was was grief is that it's lifting. I no longer feel the free floating potpourri of emotions that I did. I have had healings emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. The vertigo - well, I've been vertigo free for a couple of days, and that's grace.
One more time, one of the biggest lessons for me is that while I am a spiritual being having a human experience, I cannot avoid or escape the human experience, which includes the emotional journey. I may have done grief support for others, been present at people's transitions, which is an extremely sacred experience, developed a genuine understanding of death, dying and grief prior to all of these changes in my life but now I get it in a way I didn't before. A wise man said to me, we have to deal with the psyche or the psyche will deal with us.
As I see it, it's not a choice between the spiritual or human experience, it's the dance of the human divine. I've learned about compassion, forgiveness, gratitude and grace in a way I never imagined I would. I was broken open, completely and utterly, not as a victim, just by my life experiences. And I'm still standing -- without judgments and opinions, no blame, no shame, no make wrong. The grace of this journey is that it led me within. To sit in meditation, to vision, to be still. In that stillness, the I AM that expresses as ME was rebirthed. I got to "see" and "be" in the world differently. To let go of guilt for saying NO when I am unable to go somewhere or do something, letting go of any "shoulds." To let go of relationships. To let go. A phrase one of my friends and teachers often says is that all spiritual growth and transformation is about letting go. It is a gift to step out of time and witness things going on around me without participating. To feel that there are blessings within the challenges -- to be utterly broken open and to find in that space a beautiful heart beating -- mine. And so it goes. ♥♥♥
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